Summer Sextrology

Spring is in the air and it seems like babies and engagement rings are popping up everywhere! Summer is just around the corner, and if you live here in California it seems as if it has never left. With the change of seasons, the solar eclipse, and heating up of hearts I am here to give you your sizzling Sextrology forecast for this summer to come.

**Disclaimer: These forecasts are for the entertainment purposes and true astrology-buffs only. For every comment dissing the lightheartedness of an article entitled “Sextrology” we will laugh at your trolling stupidity.

Aries: Everyone knows you’re the one who wants to hit the beach or the boulevard and have that runaway summer romance. However, the amount of retrograde cosmic chaos that plagues the skies this summer will leave you feeling short-circuited. You’re going to be bitchy and bossy and your usual laid-backness that comes with summer is going to be missing; especially between July 3rd and mid-August when it feels like everyone you plan falls through. Salvation will come in the form a new romantic prospect before school starts up again in the fall. It will be someone you met earlier this year.

Sexcapades: Play around in the library & try to keep quiet.

Taurus: This past school year has been kicking your ass emotionally. You seem to be constantly among people who either make your highs higher or your lows near depression. A trip to familiar pastures is necessary once summer starts. Hangout near home and a cute tourist will find you

Sexcapades: Reverse cowgirl in the front seat.

Gemini: The word relax is foreign to you. Your perfect vacation involves doing something every minute of every day. Yeah, you’ll complain about it, but you’ll complain about not having anything to do more. Romance will find you at a summer job or camp, and when it does feel free to turn up the PDA because after a few weeks of hot n heavy petting, you’re both going to go your separate ways.

Sexcapades: Go on a date that lasts the entire date and attempt to have a quickie hook up at every location. The only thing you love more than a challenge is the stories you get to tell afterward.

Cancer: I predict a relationship brewing..(or ending)…you know exactly who I am talking about. Stop being so passive-agressive and make it happen already!

Sexcapades: Take charge for once. And don’t even try to talk yourself out of it.

Leo: You have no problem flirting and holding many on the strings of your charm for extended periods of time. This summer is no exception! There will be many admirers. Probably 5. One of which is a psychopath and another is your soulmate. Put them all in a room and have them battle to the death for your attention. As a Leo, I’m sure you can throw some sort of party and manipulate this situation into actually happening. KUDOS TO YOU SUPERSTAR!

Sexcapades: Fourgy. Make It Happen.

Virgo: This summer calls for an overdo makeover. That doesn’t mean just getting your hair and nails done. It means getting an atitude makeover too. I’m more than a couple of your friends have noticed a personality shift in you for some time now. Perhaps it came more to light during February-April when Mercury Retrograde turned everyone into a asshole. This summer you really need to hit that reset button and fix all the miscommunications that have wrecked havoc on those around you. Try to be a monogamist or with yourself at this time. Notice I said with yourself, not by yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company.

Sexcapades: Take yourself to Romantix or the Hustler Store on Sunset Blvd. & buy yourself a top-of-the-line toy. You deserve it. If you have a significant other, they can watch.

Libra: As a Libra you are usually in charge when it comes to romantic ties. However, once they feel they’ve met their match, they tend to lose the high ground by accomadating to their partner’s needs for fear of losing them. There is going to be some sort of an emotional tug-o-war this summer with little end in sight unless you do something about it. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m not saying you should put your foot down or recede. I’m saying take a step back to reevaluate the whole picture. What are you doing with your life? Is this what you want?Is this who you want to be?

Sexcapades: Take a road trip to the nearest bed & breakfast for a weekend and play house. An environment of forced domestic adoration will make or break you.

Scorpio: Poor Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, but it’s still YOUR planet. Get productive this summer and sow the career seeds that you can harvest come autumn. Not much to say here, you Scorpios know what you want to do and no one is going to stop you.

Sexcapades: Take a date to the Improv, and don’t wear undergarments. Whisper this fact into your date’s ear before the show starts.

Sagittarius: Your life is always full of ups and downs, so try to take a breather. Traveling is your forte and new experiences are your calling. Get your Capricorn friend to plan a road trip, get your Aquarius buddy to call everyone they know among these destination points for room & board, and a Gemini to keep the conversations going. ROAD TRIP!

Sexcapades: Live a different persona in every city you go to and never. break. character.

Capricorn: See above. Play wing(wo)man. You’re most attractive when you’re making those around you look good.

Sexcapades: Go to a strip club with Aquarius, Sag, and Gem and pretend it’s your bachelorette party for free humiliating lap-dances & free champagne. Because why not?

Aquarius: You’ve got big dreams and big plans but you need to stop spending so much money if you want these dreams to come true. This summer will be filled with sporadic trips and work. Much like Scorpio, you need to invest this summer. Invest in yourself because no one else will.

Sexcapades: Show up at their house in a coat with nothing under but high-socks. If they ask you why you keep giggling, don’t tell them anything. Wait until you’re ready to leave and flash them. Then run away screaming into the night.

Pisces: You don’t need to be told to relax. You invented relaxing. You go relax with the cute receptionist, or the salesperson, or the waiter/waitress. The laid-back atmosphere of Summer heightens ultra laid-back magnetism. Flirt up a storm and worry about the hurricane later

Sexcapades: Underwater oral training. Test your breath holding abilities